SIKKIM, never.

Aww. My dad refuses to let me go for the Sikkim trip =( And I do not understand why. I have tried asking him what his reason(s) is/are but he keeps going back to the point that he had already told me that he will never let me go to Sikkim months ago. 

Maybe it is my fault. Yeah, maybe it is. Before he agreed to let me to go to Malaysia for June OT, he gave me 2 choices: #1 Malaysia (Chamah) or #2 Sikkim. And I stupidly chose #1. You may think that I was stupid to have chosen to go to Chamah when I could have chosen Sikkim (which is obviously the better deal) but you see, if I had chosen #2 instead of #1, I would end up not going for Sikkim in the end. Why? Because when the time comes, he will find some reason to not let me go for Sikkim. So if I had chosen #2 instead of #1, I would not have been able to go for both Chamah and Sikkim.

I do not understand his rationale for not letting me go to Sikkim? Is safety his concern? If safety is his concern, then I am disappointed to know that up till now, he has so little trust in me that I can take care of myself. Well tell me, what have I done to show that I cannot be trusted to take care of myself? I am already seventeen for goodness’ sake! If money is his concern, it should not be because I told him that on top of sponsorships and Edusave, I will use my own savings to pay for Sikkim (which I have been doing for ODAC activities). Furthermore, the $400 I got from Anugerah Mendaki can be used to fund for my Sikkim trip.

Well, when I told him about me using the $400 for Sikkim, he insisted that I keep it for later use. According to him, by the time I enter university, both my brothers would have entered the workforce ie. increase in household income and hence I cannot apply for financial help to fund for my university education. Oh crap. That is all he ever thinks of. Study hard, get through university, get a good job that pays you well and you can do anything you want when you get older. He keeps saying that I am wasting my time going for camps/overseas trips, taking kayaking and rock-climbing courses and insists that I can do all these when I am older. But what he fails to realise is that, things are different when you are older. And the experience is different with different group of people. For all you know, you may not even have the time to spare for these kind of leisure activities. So the best time would be now, while you are still young.

“Kalau Ana nak pergi, bila Ana dah besar, ada duit, Ana boleh bawa anak-anak Ana pergi Sikkim, mana-mana pun Abah tak kisah.” But what is the point? I do not want to be a tourist who goes there just to admire the beauty of the place and to leave the place with photographs as memories. I want to go there and do something for them, change their lives and leave the place with not just photographs as memories but with the satisfaction that what I have done has benefited their lives.

Speaking of which, my dad keeps asking me what I want to be when I grow up but I have yet to give him a definite answer. Truth is, I want to be those kind of social workers who go to developing countries to help to improve the lives of the people there. I was inspired after watching a documentary on a man who does this kind of work and I want to do the same too. He did not believe me when I said that but honestly that is what I want to be. During my scholarship interview, that was exactly what I said. During my interviews with BH and MINDEF, that was exactly what I said. I cannot lie and that is why I don’t.

Speaking of university eduation, we had a mini career talk by the Vice-Principal and HOD of Arts during CT session today. According to the HOD, CCA and community service plays a huge role in helping you get into Medicine (which my dad really wants me to get into) and apparently, OCIP is a very good chance to boost your community service component. And undeniably give some aesthetic value to your portfolio. Apparently, my dad, who had not gone through much education, does not understand the importance of your portfolio and CCA involvement. To him, all that matters is your academic result. But like the HOD told us, even a person with 4 As and Distinction for H3 got rejected for Medicine in NUS. I bet he/she was some mugger freak who does nothing but mugs ie. CCA slacker.

Is he concern about me not performing well (academically)? Well, based on previous records, he should not be having much concern that I may under-perform. After all, despite being busy during my Sec4 year as the Company Leader of Guides and being an OAL, I still managed to perform well for my O’Levels (not trying to brag about my results). Yeah, I may have been busy with Guides and Annual Camp etc during Sec4 but that does not give me a reason to compromise my studies. And despite my busy Sec3 and Sec4 life, I still managed to give him a nice straight As O’Level Certificate which he proudly shows off to my relatives when they visit us or when we visit them. So what is he scared of?

He has all along been disapproving of me going for camps, ever since I starting going for many camps during Guides. But I have always come back from camps safe and sound and in one (still pretty) piece. Never have I sustained any injuries (excluding mosquito bites) that made him doubt the safety of the camps. 

While people are all fighting to go for OCIP, here I am given a chance. No need to fill up application forms, go for interviews, compete with many others who are vying for that 20, 30 odd places and I am throwing the chance away. A few of my classmates picked up the OCIP application form and from the looks of it, it depends on your Mid-year results, community services that you have done etc. Here I am given a chance that does not have many requirements or pre-requisites and that’s it, bye bye.

I have 4 days left to try to convince him to let me go for Sikkim. I talked to my mum about it and she’s totally for it! BUT my dad.. Sigh. I am just banking on the hope that my mum will be able to convince my dad to let me go for Sikkim. If not, at least convince him to come for the Sharing Session by the teachers and seniors this coming Saturday. But if he does turn up for it, I hope that he will control his temper and not flare up in front of everyone. I have had enough of him losing his temper in the public.

If he really does not allow me to go to Sikkim, I would not be surprised though I admit I will be disappointed with my dad. If he does allow me to go, that will be a pleasant surprise but let’s not get my hopes too high yah. Looking on the bright side, if I do not get to go to Sikkim, I can go for Guides Annual camp 2008 which according to Ms Chin is during early November. Although Guides camp in Camp Christine is nothing as compared to OT in Sikkim, at least it will keep me occupied for 3 or 4 days while my batchmates are in Sikkim for 16 days. That leaves me 12 or 13 days to grieve at home.

And it all boils down to trust. And a group of people is not a family without trust =/